Friday, August 19, 2005

My New Break-Up Form Letter

Dear *Name*,

I know the we said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, *Name*." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive *Name*? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, *Name*, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of Lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the Kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't *Name* ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, *Name*, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you, and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me want to cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, *Name*. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over?

Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fvcking remote is?


Sachin


"Live, Love and Laugh Always"

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S. N. at 1:49 PM  1 Comments

Monday, August 15, 2005

greatest idea ever?

mulax: you're going to LAUGH
mulax: http://www.cleverpetproducts.com/catalog.asp?prodid=451291
sachin: so you strap your dogs shit to its neck?
sachin: that seems brutal
mulax: who cares
mulax: it's called poopsadaisy
sachin: well, the dog for one
mulax: like oopsadaisy
sachin: right
sachin: but with poop

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S. N. at 5:42 AM  0 Comments

Sunday, August 14, 2005

why am I never getting married?

Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?" She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me. I showed her to the door She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

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S. N. at 1:52 AM  0 Comments

Thursday, August 04, 2005

This is what I work with...

cbriody (7:11:40 AM): so i tried being really funny last night and i got a huge laugh out of it (but angela thought i was insane)...
cbriody (7:11:53 AM): we were on the phone and she said she had to go read harry potter cause she finally got it
cbriody (7:12:05 AM): and i told her not to forget her robe and wizard's hat

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S. N. at 6:12 AM  0 Comments

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

i've figured it out

Life is like butt sex, sometimes, you get fvcked, sometimes you get to do the fvcking. In the long run, it's probably not worth it. But if you were a condom, the sun comes up the next day. And when you babble on about all kinds of crap, and people stop listening to you, well, you know it's the wrong day to stop sniffing glue. Back in 1987, I had a dog named scruffy. Scruffy had a problem, and I couldn't help. But I loved that dog, more than anything else in the world. Except this girl. Her name was Amanda. She had a belly the size of a V8 engine. Loud, too. And if you changed the oil when you were supposed to, it runs fine, like a well-kept computer, only without the network card. I hate network cards, but not as much as printers. Printers were the most God-awful thing man ever hooked up to a computer. Except for USB flash drives. You plug 'em in, and what to do you get? Crap. Just like butt sex.

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S. N. at 10:47 PM  0 Comments